I know what you are thinking – it’s just like what my friend said when he saw my copy of the book “We need another book on marriage?” I honestly thought the same thing, but it was Tim Challies who included Married for God on his “Favorites of 2016” list that caught my eye. Because after all, if Challies thought this book was needed…that’s probably saying something. Right from the beginning, this book didn’t move in the “customary” marriage book topic flow. Sex is literally the first word, and carries an important undercurrent throughout the rest of the book. The books focus is on the centrality of wanting what God wants, in our sexuality, but more to the related point – in our marriages. We need to want what God wants, Ash writes, because he is not a god in our service, we are in His and we need to ask God what he wants and then line up our goals behind his, rather than expecting him to line up his goals behind ours. God has given us all we have and what God wants is actually in line with how things actually are, because he is the Creator and we are the creature. When we ask what God wants, we really are asking what is best for us. [16-17]
Pursuant to having a book that is based on what God wants, particularly in our sexuality, Ash starts with grace, because unless we start with grace we will end up either with despair or self-righteousness. With that in mind, Ash boldly enters into gospel-fused discussions of the brokenness of sexual sin and how that profoundly affects marriage – because the Bible speaks to men and women who are all spoiled in the area of sex. Even for those of us who think that we are pretty much in the clear, the gospel teaches us that we are not, when we are talking about the areas of sexual desires and things of the heart. [22-23]. Ash quickly brings in the powerful hope of the gospel, that there is forgiveness, but realistically even though there may not be sexual fulfillment in this life. This then points to his empowering grace, which allows us to live lives of purity, based soundly on the hope of the gospel.
The author biblically traces the topics of gender, marriage, loneliness, and companionship – noting how we have reoriented these things to be self-serving and not God-serving. It is a serious mistake to think that marriage is made to meet my needs – for two reasons. First, Genesis 2:18 needs to be rightly interpreted. It’s not sex in the service of me, it’s sex in the service of God. Second, simply – the rest of the Bible doesn’t support such a view. God has bigger purposes in all things than just meeting our perceived needs. AMEN! A marriage is made to meet my needs mentality is wrong, self-focused, and destroys marriages.
Ash aptly pushes on the Western undercurrents of children being either curses or something to be idolized. “We idolize education, caring more about their getting good grades and getting to into a good school than their faith and godliness.” [53] He boldly (but sensitively) takes a minority position on having children in marriage which I found bold – that deliberately choosing to not have children is wrong. This goes with this thesis of our lives being not for our own needs but for others, as any parent will attest to – this is inescapable in having children.
He then spends more time developing a convicting and biblical position on sexuality in marriage. While Christians tend to focus on the epidemic of sexual activity outside of marriage, he calls us to focus on the epidemic of sexual inactivity within marriage. [67] As a Pastor this rings true, I’m still saddened to see so many marriages that have a sexual relationship that has all but died, and it’s poison has spread to many other areas in the marriage. All the while neglecting what is to be the supreme act of intimacy reserved for husband and wife, as other much lesser pursuits have taken priority. He cautions from having too high a view of sex, nor too low a view. A husband and wife’s delight in each other, should overflow into areas of service, usefulness and blessing to others.
This is also exemplified in the roles of husband in wife in the “shape” of marriage, in which Ash appropriately balances both the wife submitting to the husband, but also the husband loving his wife, as Christ loves the church. He notes that Paul writes forty words to the wife about submission, but 115 words to the husbands about sacrificial love. [85] This again has everything to do with sex and making sure that all sexual energies are reserved exclusively for one’s spouse, as a primary way of honoring marriage in a culture that dishonors it. I appreciated again his boldness and clarity on biblical sexuality and the multitude of implications within sexual sin. Marriage after all is a covenant promise, and a promise is to be kept, whatever the cost – see Psalm 15:4. [111]
The author has a helpful chapter on singleness. Stressing again that the whole duty of every person on Earth is to love God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength – married or single. The question then becomes how we are going to love and serve God. [120] Ash pushes on the ‘gift of singleness” stressing that whatever circumstances God has allowed are his gracious gift to me, and I am to learn to accept them from his hand as such. Just because we have been gifted with singleness or marriage, doesn’t mean he can’t change that status either. [126] One point that I found challenging was that neither status is an easy option. There are unique challenges to each, and we need God’s grace and strength to fulfill God’s calling on us, particularly as sexual purity intersects life and the pursuit of holiness.
Ash closes with a chapter on the heart of marriage, as faithfulness, emphasizing that faithfulness in marriage comes from the faithfulness of God. This understanding is even cloudy in “Christian” marriage materials who instead can focus on feelings, instead of faithfulness. As God promises eternal faithfulness to us in Jesus, we are to life lives of faithful obedience to Him, whether we are married or single.
This is a highly recommended resource for all aspects of marriage!
Mike Ruel 