I’m a consumer of podcasts. Mostly, they fall into two categories – sermon podcasts and interview podcasts. As a pastor, the former is probably obvious – but the latter is my “brain off” time where I like to drive and listen to strong, successful, driven, self-disciplined and very interesting people being interviewed about what makes them tick. This leads me to listening to a lot of stories of Navy SEALs, whom I highly respect as they always possess all of those qualities in abundance.
This leads me to Eric Greitens. Former Navy SEAL and current governor of Missouri. As one can surmise immediately…this guy is probably going to have a great story. Turns out, however that his book, Resilience: Hard-Won Wisdom for Living a Better Life, is not his story. It’s a series of letters written to a SEAL buddy who has hit rock bottom. The contents are gold. Get a cup of joe, this is going to be a long post. One that I will need to come back to repeatedly.
This is not a theology or Christian book, though Greitens quotes Scripture throughout. It is an excellent book that Christians can interpret through the lens of Scripture and the perspective of the gospel. When we do this, it strengthens our faith and deepens our understanding of God’s word. Part of what makes this post so long, is that I try to do that real time and bring in Scripture to balance/correct some of these ideas. I’ll try to do that as we go thru this, OK kids?
Zach Walker is Greitens’ SEAL buddy and the one he writes all the letters to. They came up thru BUD/S training together, though after it they served in different areas and didn’t see each other much. Zach was the toughest of the tough, and after doing the things that SEALs do he hit bottom hard when he tried to adjust to normal life. Lost his business, lost his family, got arrested, and turned to alcohol to try and keep the PTSD demons at bay.
As the title suggests, the thesis of the book is resilience – “the virtue that enables people to move thru hardship and become better. No one escapes pain, fear, and suffering. Yet from pain can come wisdom, from fear cab come courage, from suffering can come strength – if we have the virtue of resilience.” [3]
Right off the bat, he is speaking of biblical truths of pain, suffering and perseverance. Greiten writes tellingly “human beings can turn hardship into wisdom because we are born with the capacity for resilience, and we can make ourselves more resilient thru practice.”
This is why I will always recommend that Christians read “non-Christian” books and practice using a biblical worldview to interpret the world around us – while being cautious not to get sucked into it.
Greiten is so close to the truth on this, or maybe he is and he is just sand-bagging a bit so as to not make it a “Christian” book. [He is a politician so he can’t probably say how he really feels.] We were “born with the capacity for resilience” because God our Creator put it there for his glory. However, it is not solely in our power to make ourselves anything. It is only thru coming to an end of ourselves, admitting our need for transformation in the gospel that we can realize that therefore he will powerfully work in us to change us, and glorify himself in the process. [See Colossians 1:28-29; and Ephesians 1:17-23 for a few to start…] It is a cooperative work between God and us. Our effort and diligence is required, but it is not our work exclusively.
The author says we need to chose to live this resilient life. Indeed we do. We need to chose say no to sin and yes to righteousness. Every day. Many, many times.
This is part of the discipline of self-mastery – another biblical concept, and why I love listening to the life stories of guys like Navy SEALs. They have to master themselves, they have to be experts at self-discipline. So does every Christian on the face of the earth. [2 Timothy 1:7; 4:7-10; Galatians 5:22-24…]
There are many implications of this. One of the most foundational is therefore we discipline ourselves to live for God’s purposes and his glory, not our own. Again, this is how we were created, yet how many millions of people just wander thru life without any direction or goals. Greiten is spot on [although again only in concept] that “in the long run deprivation of purpose is as destructive as deprivation of sleep. Without purpose, we can survive but we cannot flourish.” [16]
We need to struggle and work towards this purpose. Indeed much disillusionment comes from not having a clear purpose. How many people have succeeded in doing great things and then suffered the sudden onset of “Now what?!” We need to keep going, keep learning, keep growing – as Christians – keep maturing.
This will come with it’s share of weakness and hardships and a refining of the definition of resilience – it’s not just bouncing back. “Resilient people do not bounce back from hard experiences; they find healthy ways to integrate them into their lives. In time, people find that great calamity met with great spirit can create great strength.” [23]
This is the famous quote from Hemmingway “The world breaks everyone, and afterward many are strong at the broken places.” [24] Christians – we are strong at the broken places because in Christ we are made strong. “For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:10 ESV)
Resilience is then endurance with direction. [25] YIKES! That is the Christian life! “-)
This leads to forming life habits and self-disciplines to endure and be resilient. “Practice builds habits. Our habits are our character. When it comes to virtue, practice makes a very great difference – or rather, all the difference.” [27] Romans 5:1-5 anyone?
As we act in these ways, our character development follows. “We become what we do if we do it often enough. We act with courage and we become courageous. We act with compassion and we become compassionate. If we make the resilient choices, ewe become resilient.” [28] James 1:3
These things, like our sanctification, grow slowly. He mentions the “Stockdale Paradox” – where it has been observed that the POWs who broke the fastest were those who deluded themselves about the severity of their ordeal. “You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end – which you can never afford to lose – with the discipline to conform the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” In this we have to “maintain clarity about your reality. The paradox is that at the very same time you have to find a way to maintain hope.” [30]
I harp on this all the time and then am guilty of committing the same sin myself, that we Americans think we deserve a happy, comfortable, pain-free life. Then reality hits and our world is crashing down around us. “Soon enough, reality kicks down your front door and then you can’t pretend anymore. Pain is real and we do better dealing with is when we acknowledge it.” [30] He is right to say “keep in mind though, there is a big difference between acknowledging pain and wallowing in it.” [31]
Greiten stresses another foundational biblical quality – humility. This is where we start. Its humility of accepting our situation and enduring with direction. I’m embarrassed to admit, that I never thought of Adam and Eve in this light. Greiten points out “Adam and Eve left the Garden [after being kicked out] and went into the world: tilled the earth, had children, made a life. The knowledge of real evil and the experience of pain are always harsh. Often they are also a beginning.” [36] We cannot wait for the world to change – we have to get going. “When we accept what we cannot change – that some pain cannot be avoided, that some adversities cannot be overcome, that tragedy comes to every one of us – we are liberated to direct our energy toward work that we can actually do.” [36]
“Great changes come when we make small adjustments with great conviction.” [38] The growth and maturity of a believer comes in degrees. 2 Corinthians 3:18.
As believers we need to start now in growth in degrees. As a pleasant surprise, Greiten quotes Augustine in Confessions – “When [Augustine] reflected on all the selfish ambition he began with, and all the false starts and doubts on his path, he could only say to God, “I have loved you so late.” [41]
We also do this together, in community and in deep relationships. “Someone who cares about you, sweats with you, and corrects you when you need to be corrected is one of the most precious things in life: a true friend.” [44] Disciples of Jesus are supposed to come alongside other disciples in the tight community of the church.
When we put these principles into action – we flourish. “Flourishing is rooted in action. You work along the lines of excellence. You can’t just do things. You do them well. A flourishing life is a life lived along lines of excellence. Flourishing is a condition created by the choices we make in the world we live in.” [50] Flourishing usually produces happiness. “Remember what comes first. A focus on happiness will not lead to excellence. A focus on excellence will, over time, lead to happiness.” [59]
I will again bust in and insert that “excellence” is supremely demonstrated in God Himself. We purse GOD and we will receive the abundant life he promises [John 10:10], but not material abundance or pleasure. Greiten, again so close to biblical truth here “The happiness of pleasure cannot provide purpose; it can’t substitute for the happiness of excellence.” [62…ie. God] This is the restless striving of the human heart, which our friend Augustine reminds us “our hearts are restless until they find their rest in God.”
Greiten also touches on major biblical themes like maturity [“put away childish things – 77]; pursuing false idols [77]; and even our identity. And our identity has nothing to do with our feelings.
“How you are feeling? It’s often a sucker’s question…feelings lead to action and action leads to identity.” Yes and no. I was worried for a minute but he quickly got back towards biblical truth.
The typical identity flow goes like this: “Feelings – Action – Identity.” That’s a trap. It’s more accurately “Identity – Action – Feelings.”
We act from who we are [and who we are aspiring to be], which produces actions, which in turn produce feelings. My church will hear me say “Feelings can’t drive the bus.” Christians are children of God – dearly loved, cherished, made holy by faith in Christ. We act from that identity and that aspiration, and feelings follow. Most of the time… 🙂 Even when they don’t who we are cannot change, it is guaranteed by the blood of Christ! [Colossians 3:12]
This gets real practical real fast – “Sleeping, eating, exercising – these actions shape how you feel. Acting with compassion, courage, grace – these actions also shape how you feel.” [83]
He pushes harder against society, which I love.
“Here’s where this gets tough. Imagine that a friend tells us, ‘I feel depressed every morning.’ Society has taught us that we’re supposed to say ‘I’m sorry that you feel that way. Why do you feel depressed? What makes you depressed?, etc. The question we almost never ask, however, is the one that really matters – ‘How do you do that? How do you make yourself depressed every morning?’ When you feel miserable – even when you feel you are going to die – that’s not the end of the story. It’s time to start asking the hard questions. How much of your pain is out there in the world? How much is in your mind? What is within your power to change? If the feelings you have are killing you, how can you change them?” [85- see above!]
We act in line with our current identity [in Christ] and our aspired identity [more transformed, more mature.] It’s a process. Greiten is right when he says we might have to “wear the mask of virtue” in our actions until it becomes part of us. I’m reminded of Luther’s quote – “This life therefore is not righteousness, but growth in righteousness, not health, but healing, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing toward it, the process is not yet finished, but it is going on, this is not the end, but it is the road. All does not yet gleam in glory, but all is being purified.” I think Piper said it as well “Become who you are…”
“To change the direction of your life, you have to reset your habits. Every time you act, your actions create feelings – pleasure or pain, pride or shame – that reinforces habits. When a habit becomes so ingrained that actions begin to flow fro you without conscious thought or effort, then you have changed your character.” [96]
“The more responsibility people take, the more resilient they are likely to be. The less responsibility people take – for their actions, for their lives, for their happiness [for their growth in Godliness] the more likely it is that life will crush them. At the root of resilience is the willingness to take responsibility for results.” [106]
“Whatever the world sends us, we have power over our intentions and our attitudes. Epictetus said that ‘it is not the things which trouble us, but the judgments we bring to bear upon things.'” [107] The author goes back to Stockdale the POW – “Throughout his ordeal, Stockdale maintained that he held more power over his suffering than his captors did: his ordeal would only become an evil if he let it.” [108] We are usually our own worst enemy. [113]
We shouldn’t look to the extremes here, again another trap I see people falling into. Finding the extreme side of a situation and camping there. “Fixating on extremes, like fixating on inconsistencies, can start to stand in the way of living well.” [134]
We need to live realistically – “In our security and comfort, we slip quietly into the false expectation that life will afford us completely happiness. We believe that we will move only from pleasure to pleasure, from joy to joy. When tragedy strikes or hardship hits, too many of us feel ambushed by pain, betrayed by the present, despairing of the future.” [137]
People like SEALs know the mistake that we Americans make in this first hand. Seeing global suffering and evil up close.
“Resilient realists know that life – despite our highest ideals – is imperfect. Readiness means confronting the reality that life’s course is not completely under your control. Readiness is a form of humility, spurred by recognition of how little we can know or control. Hardship is unavoidable. Resilient people recognize this reality. Then they can prepare themselves for it, seeking to meet it as best they can, on their own terms.” [140]
Yes and no. This world is imperfect, because of sin, and we shouldn’t expect it to be. Humility is key, as far as our dependance on God who does completely control all things. But, again, we can meet things ‘on our own terms’ to a certain extent. We strive and labor and endure in the strength that God supplies. Just as we should not think too highly of this broken world, we shouldn’t think too highly of ourselves.
Once again, Greiten pleasantly arrives at this truth a few paragraphs later “Recognize, as realists do, that life has a tragic character – human beings are flawed, and that both the natural and the human world are beyond your power to control, and you’ll have a better chance of serving effectively.” [140]
This is sin that dwells within us all in hearts. “…the line dividing good and evil cuts thru the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?” [141] Greiten nailing biblical truth here, though not calling it that. Jeremiah 17:9. WE HAVE TO destroy the sin in our hearts! [Col 3:5; Rom 8:13]
Throughout the book, there is an undercurrent of “just try harder…” which as I’ve been saying, only gets us so far. We need to be diligent with what God has given us, we need to accept reality, and be responsible – those things I’m in complete agreement with the author. The danger here is that when you are dealing with things of eternal significance – “try harder” won’t cut it. We need more faith in Christ, and less faith in ourselves.
I also agree wholeheartedly with the notion that we have to make resilience a part of our daily habits. “What usually matters in your life is not the magical moment, but the quality of your daily practice. Knowing is usually the easy part. Doing is much harder.” [155]
This is particularly challenging when we are in pain – physical, emotional, or spiritual. There is sometimes no answer to pain, and in that situation we accept what has been allowed into our lives by a sovereign, good, loving, and all-powerful God. This is what Greitens says in a roundabout way talking about the Stoics – “…our choice to accept or reject what we cannot control is the only thing completely within our power.” [158]
This naturally comes with some negative effect on our mood and happiness sometimes. Modern society will have us take that away with medication or something else. It is true we don’t want to wallow in it, but just because we are sad doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be or try to remove it as quickly as possible. “Unhappiness in the face of a terrible loss is not evidence of a disease, and it’s not a mental disorder. There are entire industries designed to persuade you otherwise, Walker, but if you are not depressed by some of what life throws at you, then you are not seeing or hearing or feeling all of the world around you.” [161] Yes, oftentimes God does his biggest work and we grow the most during times of pain. He even quotes CS Lewis “pain is ‘God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” [165] “Some pain is good and necessary. A lot of people in the modern world end to misunderstand this: they believe that the ideal life is a painless life.” [166]
We need to respond to pain rightly “we do not grow because of the pain. We grow when we recover from the right pain in the right way.” [170] There is also a difference, he notes, between pain and suffering – “You often don’t have a choice when it comes to feeling pain. You often do have a choice about whether you suffer, because suffering is created by your perception of, and relationship to, pain.” [171]
This is very prominent in how we talk to ourselves. We all do it. “We all talk to ourselves. You may not speak your thoughts out loud or share them with others, but there is always a conversation in your head about your environment, the people around you, and most important, about yourself.” [175] Predictably, the author drives right down main street of humanistic “destructive self-talk.” Spiritually speaking this is our sinful, twisted hearts trying to pull us away from our identity in Christ. This is where the gospel comes in loud and clear and we need to inform our consciences, our inner voices, the truth according to God’s word. This is where preaching the gospel, over and over, to ourselves comes in. “The main art in the matter of spiritual living is to know how to handle yourself. You have to take yourself in hand, you have to address yourself, preach to yourself, question yourself. You must say to your soul: ‘Why art thou cast down’– what business have you to be disquieted?” [Spiritual Depression – Its Causes and Cures]
Once you identify the “destructive self-talk, you can – as with any habit – replace it with a new one.” This is the core of growing and changing biblically as a Christian. We put off the old, renew our minds, and put on the new! [Ephesians 4:20-22; Colossians 3]
People are masters at overcomplicating things. I have a few friends that I tend to mutter to myself – “that dude can over think a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.” It’s true. I see it as a Pastor and counselor – people paralyze themselves and are rendered unable to change because they have over-complicated everything. Greitens agrees, “The more complicated you make something, the more excuses you create for yourself…people introduce complication to avoid beginning.” [187] Break complex things down into small manageable tasks, set realistic goals and get started.
In one of my favorite quotes from the book he writes “A lot of people need more work, and less talk. More action, less complaining. We need to hear less about their feelings and see more of their effort.” [197]
This is one of the many reasons why we need friends – and as Christians we need the church, because it’s not a building, the church is people – seeking to live their lives for God’s glory and grow to be more like Him. We all have blind spots and this is where good solid friends come in to help us, “…we can’t live our best lives or become our best selves without these kinds of friendships.” [210] Greiten, who definitely has a lot of Bible background, though I’m not sure if he is a professing Christian, quotes the story of David and Bathsheba – and his friend Nathan. Nathan, the bold prophet of God who confronts David and David instantly knows his wrong. I’ve said it myself, and it was nice to hear the author say that we all need a Nathan. “Who is your Nathan?” [213]
Good leaders understand resilience – “resilient living is the foundation for resilient leadership.” As mentioned, humility is a big part of resilience and good leaders are humble. “Officers eat last. Leaders lead from the front [lines, I would assume?]. Never ask someone to endure more than you are wiling to endure yourself.” [247]
Greitens hits the importance of self-mastery again. “Some of our freedom can only be won through self-mastery.” [253] This is precipitated by action – “many people try to find balance in their lives first, and then run. Sometimes that works. But a lot of times it’s in the running itself that you find your balance.” [256] As I like to say, “You can’t turn a boat that isn’t moving.” As Christians – what guides our direction and balance is the word of God! Greitens, coming at this from the human side, writes that “you figure out the purpose of your live by living your life. You give meaning to your quest by what you do and say and suffer. The challenges you face and the choices you make create the meaning of your story. The hardships, dangers, temptations and distractions that confront you are obstacles, yes, but its only by wrestling with those obstacles that your purpose can be understood.” [261] Again – yes and no. For Christians, the undeniable purpose of our lives is to bring glory to God with them – particularly as we walk thru suffering and hardship, which we all will. That is always the main thing, but humans are thinkers and questioners and we want to know more of what we are supposed to be doing here. God has gifted each of us, I agree that we need more action, but our action in ‘living our life’ should only shed more light on how we are to glorify God.
The author writes, and I agree, that our lives will not be movie-like perfect as we seek to live them out. “You are going to live a real life. It’s not going to be perfect; it won’t always be pretty. But you can decide what the themes of your story are going to be.” [267]
I read this book over the course of several months while on airplanes or hanging by the pool. It was a very helpful book for practically thinking about some of these things from a man who has clearly developed a deep sense of wisdom and maturity thru tremendous life experiences. Christians can learn from men like this, but only as far as it propels us to translate what he is saying into biblical truth. All truth is from God, and if we do not bring it back to God and clarify and refine it with God’s word, we can stray from it.
